“Do you remember the old guy who was running for president? John McCain. Remember him? And the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? That was a lot of fun, wasn’t it? Well, guess what? Sarah Palin has got a deal to write her memoir. Got a deal to write her memoir, yup. I believe it’s titled, ‘The Book to Nowhere.’” –David Letterman

“But in all fairness, Sarah Palin says she’s not writing the book by herself. She has hired a guy to help. Joe the Ghostwriter is helping her. Joe the Ghostwriter, that’s right.” –David Letterman

“Anybody graduating from high school or college right now? The NYU graduation speaker is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. You think she looks great in a pantsuit. You ought to see her in a robe.” –David Letterman

“And she told the grads, ‘Work hard. Save your money. And one day you might be able to afford to attend a Yankees game.’ That’s what Hillary Clinton said.” –David Letterman

“Well, here’s what I’ve heard from Washington. The Republicans are downhearted. They’re disenchanted and they’re worried now, the Republicans, because they’re out of office, they’re out of power. The Republicans are worried that the image of the Republican Party is downbeat and angry. And I was thinking, well if you ask me, honestly, all the fun went out of the Republican Party when Arlen Specter left. Are you like me, do you kind of feel, all right, the party’s over!” –David Letterman

“Yeah, so the Republicans are angry. And I was thinking, well you know, the time to get angry might have been eight years ago, but that didn’t happen.” –David Letterman

“You know what they’re doing right now, while we’re down here enjoying some fine American comedy? The astronauts got in the shuttle, and they went up and they’re tightening up the Hubble Space Telescope, doing some repair work on the Hubble Space Telescope. And the mission is going great. Earlier today, they buzzed the statue of Liberty.” –David Letterman

“But the telescope has photographed landmarks on the planet. And it’s fantastic because it’s way up in space, and they’re looking at ancient landmarks. They took a picture of the ancient pyramids — fantastic. Also the Roman Coliseum, beautiful from space. Great Wall of China. They took a picture of Regis.” –David Letterman