Barack Obama said that his Administration will not release the photographs of detainee abuse. Not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t get the password for Dick Cheney’s camera phone.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A Canadian scientist was arrested for smuggling vials of Ebola into the U.S. And I’m telling you, this wouldn’t happen if the government would just legalize Ebola. You know? Been saying this for years.” –Jimmy Fallon

“At the White House the other night, President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a night of poetry and music featuring musicians, authors and poets, to which President Bush said, ‘Now, that’s torture.’” –Jay Leno

“Oh, and speaking of torture, I love this. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi now says the CIA and President Bush misled her on waterboarding. Yeah. Apparently she was misled by the Bush Administration. So she spends eight years telling everybody how dumb President Bush is, and the minute they’re in trouble, ‘He fooled me! I had no idea! He tricked me!’” –Jay Leno

“Well, in a sudden reversal, President Obama now is fighting the release of dozens of new photos showing U.S. personnel allegedly abusing prisoners. The matter has not been decided yet. I understand the photos are now under review from Donald Trump. He’s reviewing them to see if they’re tasteful enough.” –Jay Leno

“Well, let me ask you, have you noticed since this whole stupid topless Miss California thing started, we haven’t heard anything about the swine flu? Weren’t we all supposed to be dead by now?” –Jay Leno

“Does this name ring a bell — evil Dick Cheney? He’s in New York City. He’s on another one of his stops on his ‘Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You Tour.’ And he is in New York City. And he has one of those crazy, embarrassing New York City moments. He’s driving in a cab. And it turns out the cabdriver is somebody Cheney had waterboarded. It was crazy.” –David Letterman

“The NASA people have their own T.V. channel and you can watch what they are doing. So today, they flew up there in the space shuttle and changed cameras on the Hubble Telescope, the most powerful telescope in the history of the world. And yet, even the Hubble Telescope can still not see how Larry King stays on the air.” –David Letterman

“To raise money for California, Governor Schwarzenegger says he’s willing to sell some of the state’s aging landmarks, like San Quentin Prison. So far, the only bid has come from Dick Cheney. Apparently, he wants to use it as a vacation home in the summer. ‘I can just relax in the atmosphere.’” –Craig Ferguson

“John McCain’s mother was on TV last night saying she doesn’t like Rush Limbaugh. I think I speak for all: John McCain’s mother is still alive?” –Craig Ferguson