“As you know, President Obama has outlawed torture. Although, he said, ‘After listening to Rush Limbaugh, maybe I was a little too hasty.’” –Jay Leno

“It’s getting nasty now between President Obama and Rush Limbaugh. In fact, Limbaugh told his radio audience he’s not going to ‘bend over’ and grab his ankles just because Barack Obama is black. Well, you know, let’s take race out of it for a minute. Now, honestly, regardless of who’s president, do you think there’s any chance in hell Rush Limbaugh could bend over and grab his ankles?” –Jay Leno

“In Washington, in response to President Obama’s stimulus package, Rush Limbaugh proposed his own stimulus package. That’s true. You see, that’s what this country needs. What we need is a stimulus package proposed by a fat DJ. That’s what’s going to set the country back on track. Actually, Rush Limbaugh’s stimulus package is just a package containing a big bottle of stimulants.” –Craig Ferguson

“Al Qaeda has unleashed a stream of verbal attacks against President Obama, calling him names and saying his policies will all end in failure. Well, who do these people think they are, Rush Limbaugh?” –Jay Leno

“Rush Limbaugh was arrested at an airport because he had illegal Viagra. So apparently, Dick Cheney isn’t the only Republican who’s locked and loaded.” –David Letterman

“What is it with Republicans and Viagra? First Bob Dole, he was doing the ads for Viagra. Now you got Rush Limbaugh. Say what you want about Bill Clinton, but the man was always there to answer the call, ladies and gentlemen” –Jay Leno

“Rush Limp-baugh was detained for more than three hours at the Palm Beach Airport after officials found a bottle of Viagra in his possesion with someone else’s name on it. Oooooooooooh. How ironic is that: the one Republican with a plan to get cheap prescription drugs and they try to arrest him.” –Jay Leno

“Happy birthday to Rush Limbaugh. He’s 55 years old. You have to give Rush credit… He’s probably the only Republican in the country with a cheap prescription drug plan.” –Jay Leno

“Rush Limbaugh and his third wife has broken up. Apparently, she came home early and found him with their pharmacist.” —Jay Leno

“Rush Limbaugh and his wife are divorcing and experts say this could get ugly. I’m confused, are they splitting up or having sex?” —Craig Kilborn

“Rush Limbaugh spoke out on the Iraqi prison pictures situation today. He said it’s entirely generated by the media. What? Is this guy on drugs?” —Jay Leno

“Rush Limbaugh is in trouble. Prosecutors say that they have enough evidence to put him away on 10 felony counts. This would be the biggest blow to the conservative movement since Anne Coulter announced she had a penis.” —Bill Maher

“Pretty ironic, that the only Republican with a prescription drug plan is Rush Limbaugh. Actually today Rush said he would have no comment on his drug problem until he could figure out a way to blame it on the Clintons.” —Jay Leno

“Rush Limbaugh is a drug freak. Apparently, he was able to lose the ‘big fat’ part but not the ‘idiot’ part.” —Jon Stewart

“Rush Limbaugh is now in rehabilitation and it’s going well. It’s interesting, one minute you’re Rush Limbaugh, great conservative radio talk show host, and the next day you’re standing in line with other patients waiting for Darryl Strawberry’s autograph.” —David Letterman

“After a week of speculation in the press, Rush Limbaugh admitted that he is addicted to pain killers and I’m sorry to say, hoagies. Limbaugh blames his addiction on a botched back operation and lesbians.” —Tina Fey