“It’s been reported, I think this just came out today, that 11 percent of Americans still think that President Obama is a Muslim. Apparently, it’s the same 11 percent who still think Adam Lambert would be perfect for their daughter.” –Conan O’Brien

“The country of Iran is holding its presidential election with four candidates running. Iranians will have to decide which candidate is best prepared to lead them into the 12th century.” –Conan O’Brien

“This is crazy. You probably saw this. Former President George Bush Sr. celebrated his 85th birthday today by skydiving with CNN anchor Robin Meade. Fox News reported the story as, ‘Liberal media pushes old man out of airplane.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Tonight’s the night of the big television digital switchover. According to some estimates, when the analog signal is cut off and switched to digital tonight, nearly 1 million people could be left without TV service,’ which ‘means NBC could lose dozens of viewers.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today is the day, the big digital changeover. Are you ready for this? Do you know what it means? Nah, I don’t either. You gotta change over to a digital thing for your TV and everybody is getting ready down in Washington. Dick Cheney, as a matter of fact, hooked up a converter to his pacemaker.” –David Letterman

“There’s a movie out now called ‘The Taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3.’ And it’s a remake. They originally made this movie in 1974. But it’s been updated, this movie. In this version, the subway is hijacked by Somali pirates.” –David Letterman

“Hey, celebrity birthday. Donald Trump, 63 years old this weekend. Trump says he’ll celebrate this year by destroying pristine wetlands and putting up overpriced condos.” –David Letterman

“Yesterday, President Obama wrote a note for a fourth grade girl who skipped school so she could attend his town hall meeting. I don’t see what the big deal is. Bush wrote notes to fourth graders, too. He just called them speeches.” –Jimmy Fallon