I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss’s job and I do not want it.
– Bill Cosby

I either Get what I want or I change my mind.
– Dreams For An Insomniac

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
– George Carlin

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
– George Carlin

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
– Fred Allen

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
– Harry S. Truman

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
– Mark Twain

Nothing is over until we decide it is. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!!
– Animal House

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
– Burt Bacharach

People are too durable, that’s their main trouble. They can do too much to themselves, they last too long.
– Bertolt Brecht

You couldn’t get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
– Edward Flaherty

I don’t mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I’ve saved all year.
– Victor Borge

I’m short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
– Woody Allen

Man, of all the animals, is probably the only one to regard himself as a great delicacy.
– Jacques Cousteau

He swallowed a lot of wisdom, but all of it seems to have gone down the wrong way.
– Georg C. Lichtenberg

Those who cannot remember the past will spend a lot of time looking for their cars in mall parking lots.
– Jay Trachman

If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes.
– Source Unknown

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
– Jerry M. Wright

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
– Herb Caen

My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
– Buddy Hackett

Don’t look back – something might be gaining on you.
– Satchel Paige

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
– Phyllis Diller

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
– Henry Louis Mencken

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
– Flip Wilson

The best thing that could happen to motherhood already has. Fewer women are going into it.
– Victoria Billings

These childhood memories – I have them often, but can usually keep them under control with the use of drugs.
– Dave Barry

I never know whether to pity or congratulate a man on coming to his senses.
– William M. Thackeray

If you read a lot of books, you’re considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you’re not considered well-viewed.
– Lily Tomlin

Sir, you are like a pin, but without either its head or its point.
– Douglas Jerrold

It is a damned poor mind indeed that can’t think of at least two ways of spelling any word.
– Andrew Jackson

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
– Woody Allen

I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.
– John Barrymore

In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on.
– Robert Frost