Well that just dills my pickle!

That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!

You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.

I’m finer than frog hair split four ways.

If you don’t stop I’ll knock you in the head and tell God you died.He couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.

He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin contest!

She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.

He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.

Don’t you piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!

He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!

You’re lyin’ like a no-legged dog!

Excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.

That was faster than green grass through a goose.

She could make a preacher cuss!

Hell, she could even depress the devil.

You could start an argument in an empty house.

That coffee’s strong enough to float an iron wedge.

You look as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.

He’d gripe with a ham under each arm.

Why are you smilin’ like a goat in a briarpatch?

Our preacher’s as full of wind as a corn-eating horse.

Each one of his sermons is better than the next!

He’s so windy he could blow up an onion sack.

He’s so useless if he had a third hand he would need another pocket to put it in!

She needs some fries to go with that shake.

That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob.

Why don’t you just take a long walk off a short pier.

They’re off like a herd of turtles.

She’s resting in peace in the marble orchard.

Well, don’t you look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes!

He’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.

She’s so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone!
(yeah, my great, great grandfather used to say that one when he was a boy).

He’s about as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand.

If brains were leather, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug.

Well, if that don’t put pepper in the gumbo!

Well, slap my head and call me silly!

Well tie me to a pig and role me in the mud!

Well tie me to an anthill and fill my ears with jam!

He’s not particularly intelligent:

The engine’s runnin’ but nobody’s driving.

If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose

He’s so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.

He’s so dumb he couldn’t piss his name in the snow.

He’s a little strange…

That boy’s two bricks shy of a full load.

I think that boy’s about two sandwiches shy of a picnic.

I think he’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.

He’s acting crazier than a sprayed roach!

He’s so rich, he buys a new boat each time one gets wet.

You’ve got champagne taste with a beer pocketbook.

He’s tighter than a flea’s ass over a rain barrel.

He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams.

He doesn’t have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out.

It’s drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford clinic!

It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table!

It’s so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.

It’s hotter than two rabbits making babies in a sock!

He’s not particularly handsome….

He’s uglier than the east end of a horse headed west

He looks like something the dog’s been keepin’ him under the porch.

He is so ugly that my mother had to tie pork chops to his ears so the dog would play with him.”

She’s so ugly I’d hire her to haunt a house!

If I had a dog as ugly as him, I’d shave his butt and make him walk backwards.

“Living in sin”:

I heard they ate supper before they said grace!