New Investment Definitions
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These terms have been redefined to fit current circumstances:CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO – Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET – A six to eighteen month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex!
VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER – What my broker has made me.
(S&P) STANDARD & POOR – Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the Toilet.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past year investor who’s now locked up in a Nuthouse.
MOMENTUM INVESTING – The fine art of buying high and selling low.
‘BUY, BUY’ – A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
FINANCIAL PLANNER – A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-Eleven for toilet paper and cigarettes.
CALL OPTION – Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
YA HOO – What you yell after selling all you owned to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you’re the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.
PROFIT – Religious guy who talks to God.
And so it goes.
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