(309): nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. Lol
(570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
(1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
(434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
(540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
(508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
(1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
(310): Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
(970): Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it’s so cute.
(612): I put my bosses number in my phone as “Do not call,” I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
(651): again?
(850): Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling “It’s Harry Potter’s birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!” And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
(703): Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to ‘dad’ containng the words ‘lets try to find more blow.’
(858): You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don’t have a cat.
(313): Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
(334): I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
(205): woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign…need answers
(1-205): yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness….
(231): we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
(321): Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
(1-321): he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
(321): no his phone, idiot.
(720): turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card “must have been stolen”
(207): I may be a little high but I’m pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
(617): We call that spaghetti Os
(226): forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
(914): last night you decided it was time to “get organized” and “straighten out your life.” You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
(678): I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
(248): apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
(512): I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
(209): do you want me to make hamburgers?
(541): i’m vegan
(209): i’ll put lettuce on them
(905): We almost didn’t get a second pitcher, but now we’re getting a sixth.
(508): Gordon Ramsey’s restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef’s menu
(781): So you’re taking me there this weekend?
(508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it’s called “McDonald’s”. Must be scottish food.
(802): elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
(281): Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it’ll make you a pirate. It won’t: it’ll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
(650): I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can’t find my clothes from last night, I’m still wasted, i’m pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT’S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
(305): If she didn’t want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn’t have such a furry rug in there
(781): Are you seriously drinking already? It’s 11AM. Still morning.
(1-781): I’m going by McDonald’s time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
(909): We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
(903): Tonight was like the Noah’s Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
(918): Five things that make you perfect. Go.
(1-918): The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
(905): In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the ‘rocky mountain bear fucker’ would not end in a pleasant experience
(805): Who’s your beautiful friend? Please include the words “Straight”, “Single”, and “Legal” in your response.
(617): you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where… then you did it again
(706): the liability waiver did not state that i couldn’t bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
(789): If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you’d be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he’d be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
(405): Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
(250): do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
(1-250): tequila
(213): I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino’s about that they ‘never delivered’
(713): How bad was it?
(1-713): You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
(713): We need to get cat food
(713): Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
(518): im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
(810): I guess i tried to text 911 last night with “someone stole my bong.” Thank god that doesn’t work…
(941): I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said “if i am not wasted the day is”
(678): Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
(905): Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
(214): My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered “I like chicks who do anal” to over 100 questions last night.
(925): so explain again why im purple
(617): no
(306): Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as ‘check every 3 months to see if she’s single yet’?
(970): Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though… the fight not the board game.
(978): my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
(740): ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
(512): The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
(319): Yes. For all mankind please do.
(785): if i get the “i’m engaged” text one more time, i’m going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won’t eat it when i die alone.
(630): You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine…you have a problem.
(980): you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
(918): i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as “mr. peanut.”
(717): one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called “john and chainsaw minus 9″
(416): moral of the story ? theme parties + no morning after clothes= never again
. . . i just met his father in a bumblebee costume
(212): I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
(403): So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday – don’t ask why, I don’t know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
(814): First rule of pills: If you can’t remember what it is, take half.
(215): you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
(414): can’t decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
(1-414): aren’t you going with children?
(818): Jake died.
(310): WTF????????? That’s how you tell me????
(818): Oops typo. Jake cried.
(484): then for some reason i googled “how much to buy a cannon”
(913): You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
(204): i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
(310): we better have passed that bar exam – i dont want to have to drink like this again
(870): These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
(917): Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
(405): I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
(630): I like you better when you drink
(708): I like you better when I drink too
(301): Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
(760): You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus….then you remembered you needed salt too. I’m assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
(440): you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
(310): I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time….i tell you how tomorrow goes, i’m so excited….
(760): There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
(978): one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
(361): What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
(1-361): These are the tickets we got last night.
(361): Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
(1-361): Yes…yes you did.
(240): Well that’s not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
(404): FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
(1-404): haha good one..how did you even know?
(404): we all know. he obviously didn’t leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom’s cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
(315): You were partners with her mom and you began calling her “the Robert Horry of beer pong” You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
(623): So after THIS dui, I’ve decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
(510): turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
(702): the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was… damn u katy perry!
(508): So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
(510): I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn’t answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
(1-510): It was probably Jesus.
(510): I feel like he would have left a message.
(708): I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
(714): dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it’s really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it “Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes”
(952): You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
(574): i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
(818): don’t worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
(415): I’ve decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I’m sure you know what choice I’ve made.
(212): He famously once noted that women should wear white “like all other domestic appliances,”
(847): just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: ‘and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame’
(775): somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
(817): I wasn’t pimping you out… I was helping you network!
(818): people and things i regret. that’s what i want to do tonight.
(408): every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too… and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
(908): well that was a long night…
(609): dude, you were pretty messed up… what happened?
(908): no idea… but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
(501): He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
(707): My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
(618): for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
(512): hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
(757): I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
(919): DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my “sent message” and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of “WTF?” and “Huh?” messages.
(805): NEWSFLASH – my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
(805): He also left me a wonderful voice mail….. and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
(814): You should probably go find him.
(207): We can’t ever have kids because there’s a chance that they’ll end up just like us.
(856): would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
(443): apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
(215): I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
(717): Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
(850): You drinking a lot?
(1-850): No.
(1-850): Define a lot
(713): Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
(713): I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
(832): Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
(919): I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
(303): I’m at a work party and I don’t know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
(970): You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
(301): Woke up this morning at my parent’s house. No idea how I got here… what happened last night? Was it bad?
(443): We using my standards or yours?
(208): I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off… I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
(214): apparentely “Beer Pong Champ” is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back……
(817): told ya
(626): i need an iv and a liver transplant
(813): you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
(607): I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
(714): It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
(314): So I went on a date with this girl…and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn’t tell me about to afford my bday present.
(561): You drink too much
(1-561): No, I drink just the right amount – too often.
(252): is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as “skill building seminars”?
(513): um, yeah. i think it is.
(518): Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: ‘I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine’
(650): Um….I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
(1-650): You’ve kissed worse.
(207): I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
(805): I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
(310): please tell me if i’m home and in my bed
(1-310): negative
(310): come find me please
(212): i want you now
(916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother…or stop drinking so much…I don’t want to see this
(703): Turns out you can’t chew it over with twix in real life
(541): Dude I’ve never seen anyone get slapped that hard
(828): There’s a dead frog in my kitchen?
(402): Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
(402): The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of “Making love out of nothing at all”
(702): Why did I wake up with “How to masturbate” on my youtube search bar?
(1-702): You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
(757): DUDE. I’m missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
(703): I don’t know, but I chipped my tooth and I’m wearing different underwear.
(254): Turns out I’m a social drinker… I just happen to be REALLY social.
(513): I hate bills.
(479): Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
(501): if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
